I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
