You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
