Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
