So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
