Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize