I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
