whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You can't motorboat a personality
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
