This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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