i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Randomize
