found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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