If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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