i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
