I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
