my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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