hotel room ftw
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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