Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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