my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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