I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
