If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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