Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
