I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize