Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
