All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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