just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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