Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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