Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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