Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
