u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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