The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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