Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
