I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize