Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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