Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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