i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
