my phone needs a breathalizer
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
