we're blogging at a bar
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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