how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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