I'm jealous of your bromance
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
