I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
