paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize