i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
high people should be assigned attendants
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
