Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
