My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
