So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
