so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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