You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
