I wish my penis had an off switch
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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