Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
