We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize