Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
