man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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