So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
