is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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