I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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