Don't make out with my wife yet
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
