why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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