Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
