Are we in a gay sports bar?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
